"What is it like to be a gay person?"When I was about 11 years old, I can remember most of the other boys in the Sixth Grade were starting to become attracted to girls. Lots of the boys would talk about how beautiful some of the girls were. Many made indiscreet comments about the girls' bodies.
When I heard these comments, I would wonder why I didn't feel the same way. From time to time, however, I would see a boy in school that made my heart skip a beat. I wondered why I had these feelings, but not once did I ever think that I was gay.
I didn't believe I was gay because the things that other people said about gay people wasn't what I was. Once, I turned the television on and saw Jerry Falwell preaching how gay people were a danger to children.
Believe it or not, I was happy when he said that because it made me think, "I cannot be gay, because I am not like that at all." I was only 11 years old when Jerry said those things about me, but I will never forget his face on that TV.
Soon thereafter, I overheard some adults talking about gay people, and they said that gays were evil and that they chose to be gay, and that was against God's plan.
Again, I was very happy when I heard these things. I reasoned, "I cannot be gay, because I did not choose these feelings at all, plus I love God very much".
Another time, after I had recently turned 13, I heard someone say that gay people were promiscuous. This person said that gay people simply cared about having sex all the time. Yet again, I was happy to hear these negative things about gay folks. It enabled me to reason, "I could not be gay, because that isn't what I feel at all."
Soon thereafter, I heard some people say that gay people become gay because of a domineering, controlling mother and an absent father. Again, I was very happy to hear that. I could not be gay, I thought, because my mother and father were (and still are) loving, caring people who raised me right. I put it out of my mind, and again I was glad that I wasn't gay.
When I turned 15, I read an article that was written in the paper by a very well known socially-conservative commentator. He said that gay and lesbian people wanted to close all the churches and subvert our Christian values.
I was happy when I read those things, because I told myself that I just couldn't be gay. I regularly attended church each and every Sunday. Far from wanting to "subvert" Christian values, I wholeheartedly embraced them.
But, the truth always has a way of being found out, and by the time I had turned 16, I could not lie to myself anymore. The day came when I had to admit to myself that I was strongly attracted only to other men. The thought of being with a woman was completely and utterly unnatural to me. I knew then that I was gay.
Being gay in and of itself did not bother me. It was the church that caused me the most pain.
I was a normal teenager who was honest, did my homework, enjoyed going out with friends, having dinner with my family, and attending my church. But I was dying inside. I was all alone, and I could not share my feelings with any human beings.
Fighting it
I was afraid. I knew what I was and that it wasn't something that could be changed.
But I decided that I would fight being gay anyway. At 16 years old, who wants to be different from his peers and friends? It was a shock to finally realize that all of the "fag" and "queer" jokes that I heard my friends making were about me!
I would change this, I reasoned, and since God could do anything, He could certainly change me from gay to straight.
After all, when I turned on the TV and saw Jerry Falwell preaching, that's what he always said, that God could change gay people into straight people. He said that he knew a lot of people who changed, so I reasoned that it must be true.
Dr. Falwell said that all a gay person needs to do is accept Christ, and that he would change from gay to straight. Well, I must have accepted Jesus as my personal Savior hundreds of times.
I kept doing it over and over again because each time after I did it, I was still gay.
I thought that I must be doing something wrong, because if God was turning all of these gay people straight like Jerry Falwell said that He was doing, then He was forsaking me, I thought.
I felt unworthy of God's love.
That must have been the loneliest point of my life. Why didn't God change me? Jerry Falwell couldn't be wrong, could he? After all, I thought, men of God just can't be wrong!
A new beginning
When I turned 17, I was accepted into New York University. When I arrived in New York, I was dazzled. Having come from a suburban town in New Jersey, the fast pace and loud noise captivated me. It was very exciting.
Soon after starting college, something wonderful happened to me.
I met lots of other gay people. We talked a long time about what it was like to be gay. Keep in mind, these were guys who were about my age, 17 or 18, and they too were still struggling; struggling not with their sexual orientation, but society's prejudiced reaction to it.
Nonetheless, I was overjoyed to find guys who were like me. We talked about everything, like how we dealt with being gay and who had tried to change it. Almost everyone had tried and we had all failed, some laughably so.
I learned that it is society and the church that needs to change, not me.
Such is the way my journey towards personal love and acceptance was launched. I met other gay guys like me, and my depression literally dissolved away when I discovered that the things that people like Jerry Falwell said about us were false.
They just aren't true.